Invocating Memories
by Silly-Blue
Summary: Kanda survived the war, others didn’t. He was never one to care, but an unanswered question haunts him and the dead refuse to be forgotten. He needs to get answers even if it means travelling back in time. Kanda-centric. Post-War Setting. Two-shot.
1. Hostage to Ghost

_**Author's Notes:**_

_The idea for this two-shot came when I saw the first few minutes of the movie "_The Time-Machine_". I remembered how depressed and desperately imprisioned I felt when I read this book for my English Matura. I wanted to portray these feelings, even though I am not sure if it works as well with you as with me. :3_

_The subject I chose to work with was something I've had in mind for some time, but to tell it from Kanda's perspective was not what I actually intended to do. _

_This two-shot is practically a look into his head and that's how I decided to write. You'll be getting bits and pieces of the things that Kanda perceives, what he feels (or does not feel) and how he managed to come to terms with the Post-War world. You've been warned. X3_

_**Disclaimer: D.Gray-Man belongs to Katsura Hoshino**_**.**

_**Warnings: Post-War setting, Spoilers up to the recent chapters and musings about practically everything**__**. **_

* * *

**Invocating Memories  
**

**Hostage to a Ghost**

Countless lives and tears – sacrifices of a war which had been battled on the very borders of history's dusty pages, filled with the glory of a great many of previous wars. Wars have been fought and new societies were built on the chalky bones of those who have been too weak, too unaware or too fierce to give their lives for something not worth dying for.  
It had been wearing them out; giving their lives for a war which was not deliberately their own, going on when people fell beside them, restlessly, because maybe, just maybe there was something to look forward to. A life to live after death and war have ended.

-o-

The black order was in ruins, but whatever was left of home, every room of dark stone, every corridor and every hall, was filled with joyous sounds. There were ruins at their feet but they had won. No more Akuma, no more Earl of Millenium, no more battles to fight. The exorcists had liberated the world of the present of the chains which would have ultimately dragged it down into the void of obliteration.  
After the war had ended everyone still alive decided to "go home" even if headquarters had to be abandoned during the end phase of the war. Headquarters was the place which connected them all, which turned out to be a sanctuary in the end; a place into which peace would return eventually. Right now, just a few short hours after the news of the Earl's defeat have reached the ears of everyone fighting in this battle, all the survivors wanted to do was celebrate their victory. Just for now, their suffering had been enough. They had come home, lifes waiting for them.

-o-

Allen, the young hero who had saved them all, was in the dining hall with everyone else. The meal, the kitchen was able to prepare even with limited resources, was the best he had ever tasted. Everyone patted him on the back, thanked him, rasied a thoast in his name, even though people have been doubting him all the time – he was cursed, helped the ones deemed unworthy of saving, tried to protect the enemy and was on top of that a Noah himself. But all of this was no longer important. He had safed them all and that was all that mattered now. Their behaviour might be called affectation, but Allen knew that they were truely glad and grateful. The war was over, he no longer minded.  
While the others still enjoyed the party, Kanda sat at the calmer end of the hall. As most of the exorcist he was hurt, but he hadn't died. After finding _that person_ and removing the life restriction of the spell, he had expected that his life would be no longer necessary. But he was still alive. He didn't know what to make of it right now, so he sulked in the corner, waiting for things to calm down. He only looked up when he heard someone approach him. Allen, a smile on his face, walked towards him, hand risen. For just surviving and ending an age-old battle, he sure looked fresh. A few straches here and there were all he had to bear with.

"Hi Kanda", he greeted good-naturedly. Kanda looked up at him and snorted. "I'd like to talk to you. Do you have a minute?", the white haired exorcist asked.

"Why me?", Kanda wanted to know, eyebrows lowered in annoyance.

"Because I need to ask you something", Allen answered and then he was silenty waiting for an answer. Kanda snorted again, then he got up from his seat and followed Allen through the hall. Nobody saw them leave, as everyone was too preoccupied with enjoying themselves. Kanda was fine with it, he didn't want to explain why he left the room with the beansprout – he didn't even know! But somehow he had the feeling that he owned Allen to be nice, just this once. He had saved them all, hadn't he. Kanda guessed that Allen deserved a tiny bit of his hard to earn respect.

-o-

Kanda didn't know where Allen led him, or why they weren't arguing all the way to their destination. It just somehow didn't feel right to do it. Even though the young exorcist was smiling while walking there was an unsettling determination in his step. Kanda usually didn't opposed determination, but somehow it was not befitting their current situation. They had nothing to do right now, enjoying a victory was no strain, was it? Not even for Kanda. It was well deserved, it was okay to slack. But no, Allen Walker continued walking with tenacious _determination_.  
They eventually arrived at the most destroyed part of headquarters; everything lay in ruins, the roof had broken in and water covered the shattered floor. In the middle of this chaos was the Ark, only reachable by a path of fallen chuncks of stone. Allen was making his way over the rocks, jumping, climbing, and walking on restlessly. Kanda followed him because something was _off_.  
Allen disappeared into the Ark, the Japanese exorcist doing the same without hesistation. He found himself in the familiar, but strange town of the Ark. White and blue and bright. The decendant of the Noah, who had turned against the Earl, was standing next to an opened door, waiting for Kanda to join him. Kanda complied with the unvoiced request and went inside, finding himself in the white piano room. He knew that Allen had withdrawn to this room when he started changing. But there were no traces left which would indicate that such gruesome things had happened in here. It was white, but Kanda almost expected Allen to turn into a Noah while taking a seat at the piano. It would have fit, in some kind of morbid way. But he knew that Allen meant no harm. He hurt people, that Kanda was aware of, but just becaues Allen tried so hard _not _to hurt them and wished to carry the whole burden of the world on his own shoulders.  
They were silent. Kanda waiting for Allen to speak up and Allen waiting for someone to say the words he actually wanted to say. He sat at his piano, back facing the keys, just waiting. Kanda was growing impatient, but decided to endure it just this once.

"The war is over", Allen finally spoke up and Kanda didn't even snort despite the ridicululousness of this superfluous statement. The white haired exorcist raised his head, meeting Kanda's eyes, "What will you do now?". Kanda raised an eyebrow at the younger man and frowned. What kind of question was that? Why did he ask him such a thing?

"Che. There's _nothing_ to do now. You already said it; the war is over", he replied. Allen looked at him, then let his head drop, a smile on his face.

"Right..."

"Was that all?", Kanda asked dismissivly. This conversation – or maybe rather the lack of it – irritated him. Allen nodded and Kanda turned around. He heard how fabric glided over the smooth surface of the piano stool as the young exorcist moved to face the keys and then he heard Allen whisper:

"It's hard to take". Kanda stopped and turned towards the sound of various keys being pushed at once, the piano uttering a horrible screeching sound. Allen was hunched over, his head touching the score and his arms on the keybord.

"Oi!", Kanda called, but Allen didn't reply, nor did he move. "Tch". Kanda moved back to where Allen was, took hold of his shoulder and janked him backwards. Allen didn't resist and his body dropped limply against Kanda's, nearly sending them both to the floor. Kanda caught hold of the piano, pushing the keys down which resulted in an ackward sound, hurting the Japanese's ears. With a frown he looked down at the young exorcist, who had his head against Kanda's chest. His eyes were closed and his face looked calm, but Kanda knew that something was terribly wrong. Hestitating for some seconds, he put his hand in front of Allen's face, waiting for hot breathing to touch his palm, none came. Neither was there a pulse on his wrist. Kanda froze slowly as dread washed over him. He didn't know why, but Allen Walker was dead.

-o-

Kanda stared down at Allen's liveless body, still warm in his arms and soft. Kanda thought that this was probably just some kind of sick dream. So he waited. And Allen grew colder and paler.

"Damn!", was the first thing Kanda could utter, his mind uncomfortably running around in fruitless circles. He put Allen down on the floor, staring at him, willing him to come alive again with his intense stare. He tried everything he could think of to reanimate him, but nothing worked. Even though he had expected Allen to die long ago, this situation was like his worst nightmare coming true. Kanda sprang to his feet and kicked at the armchair, sending it flying against the next wall. "Damn!!", he repeated and stalked through the room, until he had circled it once, his eyes on everything but the dead body in the middle. He returned to Allen and looked down at him. Kanda brought a hand over his face, rubbing it. "What has happened? What the hell is going on?! Why are you _dead_?!". Nobody answered him.

-o-

Kanda never liked being the center of attention, especially not in this situation. When he finally mustered enough courage to leave the room, the festivities hadn't died down one bit. It still was his worst nightmare, he still hadn't woken up. He still didn't even know what happened, what he was doing, what he was going to say. But he pushed himself through the masses of people until he reached the middle of the hall, were Rabi and Linali were with the other young exorcists. His arrival hadn't gone unnoticed and the voices died down because they knew that Kanda was going to say something even though he was still searching for a way to prevent that from happening.

"There you are, Yu! Stop looking so sour!", Rabi said with a cheerful voice. Kanda could have killed him on the spot.

"Shut up!!", he hissed and Rabi raised an eyebrow. "Allen Walker", he started, but was interrupted.

"Now that you mention him; where has he gone? I haven't seen him leave!", Linali said, slight concern in her voice was discernable bu neglectable. Kanda just stared at her as if she had committed a murder. The words he was now going to say stung as if he had been stabbed by his own sword:

"Allen Walker is dead"

-o-

"No"

"You're not funny, Yu"

"What's his problem?"

"Maybe they had a fight?"

As soon as the first shocked silence was overcome, a huge buzz of everyone talking at once started to fill the hall. Kanda was silent and eventually the noises died down because of his stoic face. They finally realized that something must be not quite right.

"You're lying aren't you?", came a doubting voice and Kanda just glared ahead.

"No", he replied and people started to gasp and new silence reigned. "Allen Walker died in the Ark's Piano Room about two hours ago. I know not the reason for it". When the disbelieving crying and lamenting started, Kanda chose that it was the right time to leave.

-o-

The news of Allen Walker's sudden and unexpected death spread like the plague, killing all joy of the well-earned victory and giving birth to more laments than the end of the war had. Why had Allen Walker died? Why him? Why so suddenly?  
Komui claimed that he had been perfectly healthy, no illness or unspotted fatal injury, but he went on to explain that it probably was due to his Inncocene. It has consumed his whole life, then he died, simple as that. But the grieving people didn't really care about the reason, losing themselves in the gap that Allen Walker had torn with his untimely death.  
Kanda didn't particularily care about Allen Walker, he had never liked him. Under normal circumstances the young boy's death would have probably stung a little bit, he might have brooded over it for some time, but then he would have moved on. There was no point in focusing on something which was absent and couldn't be brought back. "Moving on", in this regard he and Allen had been similar even though they differentiated in the way they put this principle into action. But the point was that Allen's death had not been "under normal circumstances": Why did Allen choose to spend his last breathing moments with Kanda?

"If he knew he was going to die, why didn't he tell us?! Why didn't he want to spend his last moments with _all of us_?!". Kanda knew that Linali was being emotional, but he could hardly ignore the accusation – as if this was all Kanda's fault. And Linali was not the only one. Kanda had been suspected of being responsible for Allen's death. Now that it was proven that he was innocent people still continued to question him.

"You two didn't even get along! Why would he want to talk to _you_ of all people?!" Rabi was also deeply hurt by Allen's death and by the fact that Allen had preffered to die in Kanda's presence. If he could, Kanda would gladly switch with all of those who were complaining about Allen's peculiar choice.

-o-

In particularily bad moments, Kanda wondered if Allen did it just to annoy him; by dying with only Kanda present he forced him to be the one to spread the dreadful news. The question why Allen wanted to talk to him, seemingly _chose_ him, wouldn't let his mind rest. Allen was ever present, even in death. Kanda couldn't move on with his life; Allen Walker's ghost haunted him.

-o-

Time passed and Allen Walker started to fade. No one would remember a hero when he was not going to enter history books. He was an exorcist hero and now that exorcists were no longer needed he was disappearing slowly. The dark order had been rebuilt and some people continued to live there. There may no longer be Akuma and the Earl was gone, but there was still Innocene left to be found. Kanda chose to stay with the order because Allen Walker chained him to it. He often was at the newly constructed chapel in which Allen's coffin rested and he observed how the amount of people coming to visit his grave was diminishing. Kanda remained. He could not let go of it, the question tormented him and he desperately needed a way to ask Allen what he had meant. He had replayed their short conversation in his head over and over again, he also considered the things left unsaid, but he still would not understand. Kanda deceided that Allen Walker cursed him: he was cursed to forever think about it because he couldn't understand him. Kanda wanted to turn back time.

-o-

Miranda Lotto could not help him, but she tried. After two years of trying and schooling her abilities fruitlessly, Kanda came to the conclusion that he should stop torturing the poor woman and let her go on with her life. Even though she could no longer hope to revive Allen Walker, she was grateful. For Kanda it was a bitter failure and it frustrated him.

"Why are you still trying?", Komui asked, "You didn't care about Allen when he was still alive. Why do you obsess over him now that he is dead?"

"You know why – he died in my presence", Kanda replied grimly.

"But it's not your fault!", Komui protested and Kanda glared at him.

"Of course it isn't, but I still want to know why!!"

"Kanda... You should know that there is no way to bring back the dead", the supervisor said quietly and Kanda didn't reply. Somehow Allen had chosen a good time to die; had the Earl still been here, Kanda would have rather get killed by an Akuma Allen than to go on with the burden Allen had placed on him.

-o-

Kanda continued his quest to find all of the remaining Innocence cubes. There had to be one among them that would give him an opportunity to speak to Allen. Thanks to the life-restriction lifted off him, he had all the time of the world. As years went by, Kanda was almost glad that he spent his days searching. It was not the first time he focused his whole existence on finding someone and doing it gave him some kind of stability. He really wouldn't have known what to do after the war. The strange constellation of Allen's death gave him some kind of purpose – even though it was one which would eventually lead Kanda to despair.

-o-

Ten years after Allen's death Kanda finally heard a rumour which sounded promising.

"The Innocence is located in a forest, the local people claim that it sends people back in time", Komui told him with a tired face even though Kanda looked at him attentivly. "Kanda..."

"I'll go", he announced and Komui pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I know, I know... But it might not be true. What I told you is all we know... But being sent back in time will not change the present".

"Where is it? I will depart instantly", the Japanese exorcist said, ignoring Komui. The supervisor groaned and shook his head.

"Kanda, you've already spent 10 years trying to chase Allen's ghost. Stop wasting anymore life", he said and Kanda glared at him darkly and with a stern face.

"I just want an answer from Allen that is all. I have nothing else to do than search for it"

There was no need to change the present, it wasn't even necessary to change the past – he just wanted to know what has been going through Allen's head. What was it that was "hard to take"? Did he know that he was going to die and why for heaven's sake did he want to talk to Kanda? The exorcist had had ten years to brood over these questions, ten years to keep Allen very alive in his head. It was as if Allen had possessed him and Kanda wanted to get rid of him.

-o-

To get the Innocence was not very difficult. As Komui had said, the Innocence was located in a deep forest. The people from the nearest village had considered it to be an item of the devil, put it in a wooden box which had been sprinkled with holy water and buried it under the oldest tree they could find.

"You should be very careful, this tempting item will do you no good", the mayor of the village told Kanda when he came back from the forest with the wooden box.

"Do you know how to use it?", the exorcist wanted to know and the mayor sighed because the young man didn't seem to care about his warning.

"You just need to touch the item"; he told him, "it seems it will bring you back in time. You cannot choose to which point in your past you will be sent".

"And when does this end?", the black haired man wanted to know. The old man sighed again, hesitating to answer:  
"The people which were swallowed by the evil magic don't really talk about it. Listen to me, young man: The dead cannot be brought back to life. God knows what he is doing, don't try to mess with the way he steers fate". Kanda was silent, looking down at the wooden box.

"I don't want to change anything. I just want to have a single question answered", with this he turned around and left the village.

-o-

When Kanda got back to the black order there was no one which he really wanted to talk to about it; none of Allen's once dear friends were still at the order. He reported back to Komui but had no wish to argue about using the Innocence. At the age of 30 (even though his body hasn't changed much) Komui considered him to be old enough to make his own decisions. Kanda went into the quiet chapel.

"I'm back", he said to no one then he crossed the hall and arrived at golden doors. He opened them and stepped into the abandoned Ark. If there was a fitting place to activate the Innocence, it was the place Allen had died in over a decade ago.

The room still looked the same, it was untouched white, no dust, no neglect and the musical score still shone over the piano keys. In here no time seems to have passed. Kanda wore his old exorcist uniform and Mugen was strapped to his back. He didn't know what to expect, how far he would go back. He tried to look like he had done 10 years ago, which wasn't that hard because he hadn't aged, but his hair was shorter. But he doubted that anyone would realize this and he didn't think that he would stay long in the Innocence' spell. Maybe it was stupid to touch the Innocence without anyone to supervise it, because he had no idea what would happen or how long the invocation lasted. Despite these insecurities Kanda didn't care too much; he wanted to understand, he wanted to ask Allen what he meant, he wanted to free himself of Allen's looming presence. Kanda put the wooden box on the piano stool, the he opened it. Inside was a brightly shining object; it looked like some kind of pendant, maybe a medallion. Kanda took a deep breath, then he extended his hand and let himself be transported back in time.

_To be continued  
_

_**Notes:**_

_Firstly, this has been written on a PC without English spell-check. I am deeply sorry if I missed something in the editing process!!_

_There is a second part of course. However, it still needs editing so it'll work out with the first part. Maybe it's not that clever to seperate it because it would be easier to read it in one go, so the second part can be compared to the first. But well... _

_I know that my writing style is kind of strange and/ or complicated to follow, but I hope that it's still rewarding. I'd love to hear your opinions! :D_

_P.S. I am very sorry that this only focuses on Kanda and the other's don't get away too well. But I hope it still is believable the way I chose to write it._


	2. Grey Shades of Memory

_**Author's Notes:**_

_And here's the second part of Invocating Memories! :3 Still Kanda's point of view!_

_**Disclaimer: D.Gray-Man belongs to Katsura Hoshino**_

_**Warnings: Spoilers for recent chapters**__** and more musings about stuff. Oh. And blood.**_

* * *

**Grey Shades of Memories**

Against the whiteness of the piano room this new place was dark, he could tell even with his eyes closed. Kanda could feel the floor shaking beneath his feet and he heard the rattling sound of a train thundering over uneaven railroads. His eyes snapped open and he found himself standing in the corridor of a train. Where was he? Kanda turned around, but there was no one else with him. The man frowed and pushed the door of the compartment next to him open. He peered inside and saw Allen's jacket on the wooden seat. A trainride he had spent with Allen Walker? Kanda tried to remember; ten years since Allen's death were in fact long enough to make his memory fuzzy. He still could remember everything about the day of Allen's death but apart from this the rest was faded.

"Che. No luck", he hissed and slammed the compartment door shut. How could he possibly ask Allen about something which hasn't happened yet?! He calmed and tried to remember this setting. There hadn't been many missions with Allen and him alone. This had to be the train ride back from Rome, where Allen had been questioned about his connection to the 14th,. Kanda remembered that he, being in the vicinity thanks to another mission, had been charged with bringing Allen back home in one piece. Bit for bit the memories came back; they hadn't even spoken once during this journey, not even argued because Kanda had avoided Allen as much as the young boy had avoided him (something he had done very rarely). Kanda sighed, then he went to look for Allen. He walked through the whole train until he reached the far end, where the luggage was stored. But he hesitated. Behind this cheap wooden door, a ghost was waiting for him. Kanda snorted at his own stupidity. Allen Walker was _dead_, this was only the Innocence's spell, it would all be undone as soon as the invocation stopped. There was absolutely nothing to worry about.  
He pushed the door open and stepped into the dimly lit wagon. And there _he_ was and nothing could have prepared Kanda for the shock that came. Allen Walker was sitting on the floor, knees drawn to his chest, crying and _alive_. He could do nothing but stare, even as Allen, taking notice of Kanda's prescense, pressed his forehead against his knees, trying to hide the tears.

"Allen...", Kanda breathed, still frozen to the spot. The young exorcist raised his head to look at Kanda with a puzzled face.

"What?", he asked hoarsely and wiped away the tears. Kanda pressed his lips together and walked to where Allen was sitting, kneeling down next to him. And he stared. Allen was alive. Alive and in front of him and crying over something Kanda didn't know. Kanda felt the urge to pinch his own cheeks to see if this was all just a dream. He pinched Allen's instead.

"Ouch! Hey!", the boy wailed and swatted Kanda's hand away, "what do you want?!"

"Wipe the snot from your face", Kanda ordered and Allen stared up at him disbelievingly, "and then tell me why you were crying".

The living ghost looked up at him, then he wiped his eyes and turned his head away.

"Why would you care?"

"I don't. I just want to know why", Kanda replied and Allen stared ahead.

"I haven't told anyone yet...", he mumbled and Kanda snorted.

"Is it about the questioning?" Allen nodded and Kanda had a faint idea what this was about, he had heard stories after all, "just spit it out". Allen stubbornly pouted, but then he sighed.

"As it seems... Mana was a Noah... A Noah that betrayed the Earl, but still a Noah...", he whispered without bothering to explain who this enigmatic Mana was, but Kanda knew of course. "I... I can accept that, because he was such a nice person... But... Mana had planed it all... My abduction when I was still a baby, calling him back as an Akuma, getting cursed, being destined to be the musician of the Ark... The path I always thought I had chosen on my own was manipulately paved by someone who I loved more than my own life...". Allen lowered his head and his next words were nearly indiscernable because his voice was thick with tears.

"Mana betrayed me". Allen continued sobbing like a small child, not even the shame of someone as uncaring as Kanda seeing could stop the heavy tears from dropping to the dusty wagon floor.

Kanda remembered this. He remembered what story Allen had told to Komui, what story had spread through the order; Allen was the son of a Noah, the past he used to hint at discreetly was just a fabrication; he had infiltrated the order, everything had been planned by the Noah called Mana. By the father Allen Walker adored. Kanda had never cared about such things, Noah or not, he was a useful exorcist after all. But everyone not deeply involved with Allen believed this story and even some of Allen's friends did. There had been people to protect him from the abuse and shunning, but even Rabi and Linali sometimes cast a doubting or distrustful glance in his direction. Allen had swallowed it all, Kanda could remember. He had laughed and been cheerful, but he had withdrawn from his circles of friends, moving closer to those who didn't know him that well. Kanda had spent more time with the young exorcist and even though their relationship hadn't changed much, they had come to tolerate and trust eachother. Kanda realized this now, now that he saw the true state of Allen, the truth behind the gossip. He had made a first progress in understanding Allen Walker.

--

Kanda wondered if he had to relive the following three months until Allen's death for the invocation to stop. It was quite bothersome, but he thought of this as a mission; if he saw enough and came to understand enough, he would finally be able to break the chains Allen had on him. It was disturbing Kanda to feel so imprisoned by Allen Walker's death. It was almost as if Kanda really was an Akuma, with Allen tightly fixed to him through some invisible bonds. But now he had the chance to undo it all.

--

The Japanese general witnessed the spread of the rumours and he decided to do nothing against it. He worried that if he stepped in to stop it, all might change. It was only an Innocence caused time-travel, but he still wanted to be sure. Allen had done fine in reality, he had been the hero to save them all – Kanda couldn't risk changing that.

"You know... Allen is a dear friend and all that", Rabi spoke up when Allen went to order food, "but don't you think it's strange?". Linali nodded.

"He is very nice and I think he means well... But...", she said, but then Kanda rose with a loud sound, which caused the others to look up at him.

"Shut up", he told them coldly and calmly, then he went to the kitchen as well. Allen looked up at him with a puzzled expression as Kanda popped up beside him, making all in the vicinity shut up instantly.

"I need seconds", Kanda lied and Allen smiled up at him.

"You sure eat a lot these days...", the soon-to-be general told him.

"I'm still growing", Kanda answered and Allen laughed.

"I know"

--

Allen was to be made General in the evening. He was sitting on the abandoned balcony of one of the order's upper floors. It had been hard to find him but it had even been harder to find someone who was willing to help him; Miranda and Mari had, but the others claimed that they were too busy or that Allen would return when it was time for his promotion.

"I will talk to him. Thank you", he told the couple, which just nodded and returned to prepare the ceremony.

"Quite windy up here", Allen said as Kanda sat down next to him, looking over the dark forest at the foot of the tower.

"Quite lonely I'd say", Kanda remarked, "why are you up here? You should be preparing". Allen turned to look at him and frowned.

"What for? What should I tell them? To just trust me and that I will be a fine General?". Kanda remained silent, but he knew that Allen was in fact going to say that. The young man let out a snorting sound, something unbefitting his usually cheerful attire.

"Will you?". Allen looked at him and made a grimace which probably was supposed to be a mocking, dark smile.

"You surely ask a lot of questions lately", he remarked and turned his head away, fingers going up to his forehead, massaging it absent-mindedly. "I should calm down... my head hurts".

"Yeah...", Kanda remarked, looking at the nearly unblemished forehead, knowing that very soon there will be dark black markings staining his white skin.

--

Kanda remembered that when he attended the ceremony last time, it had been awkwardly quiet in the huge chapel, reminding him of a sermon. Now he felt that it was rather a funeral, but maybe just because he knew that Allen, who was walking up the aisle in an elegant uniform, was destined to die in two months and three days. The other four genenerals and the people from the Vatican were at the front of the hall, giving their blessings and reminding Allen of the huge responsibility he had accepted. Even Cross looked disturbed by the whole matter, even though he was usually untouched by everything. Kanda knew that Cross wasn't that innocenct either, having dirtied his hands with Allen's ill fate as well. And Allen... He was looking very serious, very grown up and Kanda (watching him closely this time in stead of meditating) saw how bitter he seemed, how strained his smile was and then, when he turned to the people, how all this changed. He faced them, knowing very well that almost everyone mistrusted him, and vowed to give his life for everyone.

"Trust me! I will continue living my life how I have done before. I will honour the title and go on fighting until I die for all those who are dear to me. I will not give up and I will be a good General!" and he meant every word of it. Thus, Allen Walker was proclaimed "child General". And Kanda knew that he was destined to live up to his promise and die.

--

Things had calmed down a bit around Allen Walker, now that he was fighting so hard to regain their trust. He was succeeding in this and his usual friends returned to him. Kanda hadn't said anything to them. He knew that they held Allen dear but he also knew that they would just go on forgetting him as soon as he was dead. Kanda had fallen out with them long ago and he didn't want to act as if he liked them now. But he was irrelevant in the Innocence's invocation. It was important to keep a close eye on Allen and understand him. Kanda was able to read his emotions somehow in the subtle changes in how he acted, in how his face changed. But he had no time to admire himself, because he also saw how much Allen's hand wandered up to his forehead. He knew of course that he would turn into a Noah very soon (though he could no longer remember when it had started), so he kept a keen eye on that as well. Maybe the reason why he wanted to die in Kanda's presence was somehow connected to him being or turning into a Noah.

One day Allen was suddenly gone. Everyone was in an uproar, finding blood on Allen's pillow and on the clothes scattered on his bedroom floor. Kanda knew where to look and he made sure that he was going there alone.

"I'll go look in the Ark. Don't you dare to follow", he informed everyone and his cold glare left no room to argue. So he went alone.

"Allen, open the door to the piano room. I know you're in there", he called and in reply the whole Ark trembled and from the sky rain started to pour. Pitiful sobs where resounding through the empty streets, like howling wind.

"I _can't_!", he heard Allen's voice loundly, in between sobs and gasps. Kanda remained silent.

"I know. Please open the door", he answered calmly. The crying died down a bit to hickups and the occasional sob and a door appeared at his right. Kanda lost no time and strode to it, going into the white piano room. Allen was crouching in a corner, his hands clenched on his head which he had burried between his knees. His back faced Kanda, but the man could see blood stains everywhere; on the floor, in a shaky trail to where Allen was crouching, on the keys of the piano, on the score, on the walls, on the shattered mirrors on the wall and on the tips of his white hair. Kanda decided not to say anything, but the sheer dispair even he could feel made something inside him clench painfully. He knew that Allen had suffered a lot while turning into a Noah, his soul probably taking more damage than his body. In the past he had not cared, not even felt pity for him, but now – after ten years – he did. Kanda walked over to Allen and sat next to him, back leant against the wall. And he waited.

--

The suffering Allen went through was worse than he had imagined. It took all of his strenght (and he was far more powerful than he had been ten years ago) to hold Allen down, to prevent him from hurting himself with his claw. Kanda couldn't imagine how Allen had managed to survive on his own – because he had not been there last time. But he imagined that the Innocence just did what Kanda was doing right now. He had seen before how the Innocence controlled Allen's body. But how Allen could live with Innocence and Noah genes was beyond Kanda. Three days after Allen had gone missing, it all stopped. Allen sat motionlessly on the couch, staring at his feet.

"I feel wretched...", Allen confessed and Kanda thought that this was probably the baddest case of understatement he had ever heard. "I can't possibly face the others". Kanda looked at him; his white shirt was stained red, his hairs were sticking together with crusted blood, his whole face was covered in blood.

"If you clean up you can", Kanda snorted and Allen's head snapped up, his golden eyes glaring at Kanda.

"Stop downplaying this, Kanda!! I'm a Noah! _I'm a bloody Noah_!!", he yelled and Kanda nodded.

"I can see that. But you're still an exorcist aren't you? Or do you plan to join the Earl?", he asked and Allen lowered his head.

"Never"

"Fine. Then let's get out of here".

--

Washed, with his new General uniform and Kanda behind him, Allen Walker strode through the corridor and the masses of speechless people. He did not hide his skin colour, nor his eyes, nor his markings. He just walked on with the same determination Kanda had seen on him on the day of his death.

Kanda had not been there to walk with him ten years ago, but he had been the first to acknowledge him back then (through his usual way of challenging him to a fight in which the loser was threatened with a crude hair cut). Without looking right or left Allen walked all the way to Komui's office, where people were already gathering, but upon seeing the child General, all were too frightened to even talk to him. Komui was trying to be calm and walked up to Allen. Kanda could see his uneasiness, his incertainty and the struggle he was going through. Allen spared him the accusation.

"Yes, I turned into a Noah. And yes, I am still an exorcist. Nothing in my determination to kill the Earl has changed. I will continue fighting for you even if you no longer want me to be one of you!". Komui moved then, raising his hands to put them on Allen's shoulder, squeezing tightly.

"Allen. You are one of us. And I will tolerate no one who dares to defy you!", he promised fiercly, pulling Allen forwards in a thight embrace. Linali and Rabi rushed forward as well, joining the hug. Kanda stayed in the shadows as other people went to express their trust in him.

--

The real war began one month and 13 days before Allen's death. Kanda, remembering this time better, acted mostly how he thought he had acted back then. Nothing had changed as of now. Allen still had his determination to fight and win. After a particularly fierce fight against a bunch of Noahs, Allen and Kanda sat in the infirmary together. With no more fast healing abilities Kanda wasn't allowed to go all out in battles and was prone to land in the infirmary more often than the others because he still did go over board – even when he tried to hold back somehow (people didn't need to know that he too was now far beyond general level).

"If you don't watch out you'll die", Allen said unnecessarily as Kanda nursed his wounds.

"Che. Shut up beansprout. We both know that I won't die", he said and Allen laughed at that.

"No. Bad weeds grow tall, right?"

"Beansprouts don't", Kanda snorted and it stung a little bit to know that his teasing was true.

"I guess I won't". The dark haired man looked over at Allen, who was patting his hair down. "Tch. All gloomy, aren't we", Kanda said and Allen laughed.

"I'm a parasite type", Allen answered and Kanda knew that Allen had been aware that he was going to die sooner because of his Innocence.

"I know...", he whispered, which Allen took a long time to comment.

"You sure know a lot lately", he said with a sceptical tone, but he still smiled.

"That's because you state the obvious. Noah brat", he replied smuggly.

"Wow, that's new"

"I _know_"

--

Two weeks before they would start the last battle against the Earl, the order was very silent. A lot of people had already died and everyone knew that is was just a matter of time until the Earl would attack them. Kanda was prepared, he knew exactly how things would go. But it made him anxious as well.

"When you found out that Mana decided which path you would have to walk", Kanda spoke up when they were alone up at the balcony, "did you think about turning around?".

"Why are you asking all of a sudden?", Allen wondered, looking up from his sandwich.

"Curiosity I guess", Kanda replied and the young general snorted.

"I always knew my fate... From the day on which I called Mana back. I should have died back then, but I didn't. So my life must have had a purpose. I know now that Mana made up that purpose, but thanks to it I could go on with my life. If I stopped walking down my path and turned around, I would have turned away from life", he said quietly and Kanda looked at him when the boy turned his head. "My life belongs to the battlefield". Kanda looked away. So that was it. That was the answer he needed. Kanda understood. And it was indeed "hard to take".

--

Kanda fought his part in the war and saw the sun rise on the day that Allen Walker would die. It was a sight he would probably for ever hate; it was blood on the horizon, a dark forshadowing of what would happen. He stayed close to Allen without getting in his way, watching him fight, watching him kill, watching him cry, watching him stand victorious. He was a white figure against the dazzling sunlight, so bright that he himself appeared to disappear. But he was here, he was still alive. And here they were, on Allen's last day. The order was in ruins, no Earl, no Akuma and no Noah except from Allen – and he would fade with the night. If he hadn't know that it would do absolutely nothing to change the situation, he would have shed a bitter tear then. But he knew that this was only a temporal reality, something which would cease to be when the invocation of the Innocence stopped. So he waited for the inevitable to happen and he would finally be able to let go of Allen Walker.

--

He tired to reenact the day as best as he could. Like ten years ago Kanda sat at the end of the hall were the people were not celebrating, but unlike last time when he had been brooding over what to do, right now he was thinking hard about the next few minutes. He knew that in about 30 minutes Allen Walker would be dead. And he would return to a world where Allen simply ceased to excist because people no longer thought about him.

"Hi Kanda", Kanda was surprised. Was it already starting? Allen stood in front of him, smiling as always. "I'd like to talk to you. Do you have a minute?" No. No. Not that fast!

"Why me?", Kanda managed to ask him, but he forgot that he was supposed to be annoyed at him.

"Because I need to ask you something", came Allen's answer and then silence returned. Kanda wanted to stay in his seat, refuse to go with him, but he couldn't. He had to get through with it.

They left the dining hall and went to where the Ark was. Allen slipped inside the black door, Kanda following reluctantly. The piano room, again. Allen sitting at the piano facing Kanda, silently waiting for something to happen. Should Kanda speak up? Drag him back out and to Komui? He could do nothing. He didn't know why Allen wanted to spend the rest of his life with him, but he knew why he had died.

"The war is over", Allen spoke up, Kanda gave him two more minutes to live. He wanted to do anything, but he was feeling helpless. "What will _you_ do now?". He sighed, massaging his forehead with his fingertips. It was hard not to cry, even for him.

"I'd like to go on... The war might be over but life isn't... I don't care what happens, as long as I can go on living". Before Allen could speak, Kanda continued, "But I doubt this will be easy... After this...". Allen looked up at him, surprised. Kanda walked to him and sat on the piano stool next to him. "It's hard to take". Allen looked up at him and then he put his arm around Kanda to embrace him.

"I know... Don't cry..."

"Why me, Allen...?", Kanda whispered. Allen was silent, still embracing Kanda.

"I had the feeling that in the end, you were the one who knew me best… We're friends Kanda…"

"Yes…", Kanda replied and could hear Allen's faint laughing.

"Thank you..."

--

When Allen closed his eyes, Kanda did the same. A warm feeling flooded him and he felt firm ground beneath his feet. In front of him was the empy piano stool, the innocence cube still resting on it. Kanda cried some silent tears. There is no way to change the past, but there was a heavy weight lifted from Kanda. His ghost, Allen, was no longer forcefully chained to him. But he was still here. He might be dead, but Kanda will never forget him.

**The End**

**Notes:**

_It's been very hard to stop like this, but I hope that I achieved to portray some change of feelings in Kanda himself. A lot is left open for speculation and interpretation. You might as well read this Kanda / Allen friendship two-shot as Yullen in the end... I'm sorry that Kanda's view of Rabi and Linali was rather bad..._

_And... For those who are NOT happy with this ending... I've written a bonus which I posted to my lifejournal, have a look at my profile for it (because I am too stupid to include links)! 3_

_Thanks for reading! :3_


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